I Lost Focus

Well, here we are. It’s been months since I’ve done a damned thing with this blog. I have a laundry list of excuses for letting it fall so far behind; my husband came back from deployment, then we traveled for Christmas/New Years, I didn’t have inspiration, starting over seemed daunting. Now I have to admit publicly that I started something and didn’t follow through, and that raised questions. What if I start over just to lose focus again? How many times will I start over? Then I realized that this is exactly what I was on about in the first place.

So, why did I fall into this trap? Let’s start with the obvious: because I’m human! We all make mistakes; we all let things get out of control. More importantly (to me, at least) I let this fall behind because I was scared. While part of me is ashamed that I let it get this far I know that those feelings aren’t doing me any favors. This is real life, and despite how much I wish I could be, I’m not perfect. Which got me to the root of my problem. Who wants to listen to someone who isn’t perfect? Who am I to write all this if I can’t execute it at 110% efficiency? I felt like a fraud, but honestly, why listen to someone who sits in an ivory tower, immune to the struggles of normal people? Their sage advice of ‘suck it up’ and ‘do better’ won’t get you anywhere. It might motivate you in the short term, but it does nothing for consistency. People forget that the beginning is always the hardest part.

This morning I looked at myself and thought you don’t do this when it comes to the gym. I don’t miss a day, throw up my hands, say, “fuck it!” and stop going all together. I need to apply the same mentality that I have regarding the gym and nutrition to this blog, but I’ve also got to remember that it took me a lot of time to cultivate my gym/nutrition habits. I spent years training off-and-on, eating healthy 5 days a week just to binge on the weekends. I got out of shape and started over when I got sick of feeling that way, but it’s easy to forget all of that. Once consistency and habit sets in you tend to forget that it was ever hard.

If you’re like me, you start projects with the expectation that this time this endeavor is so important that I won’t let it fall behind. I won’t quit. This time stumbling blocks will get out of my way because they fear my determination. Nothing is going to stop me! And, maybe not at the first sign of trouble, or the second, but eventually something happens. Falling off the wagon is easier than gung-ho you anticipated, and it’s frustrating to have to get back up! Especially when you expected that you wouldn’t fall to begin with. Add to that the social media aspect and getting back up is even more daunting. It’s just easier to let yourself fade into the background than to publicly announce, “Here I am, starting over!”

This is me, announcing that I’m starting over. I let my desire for perfection prevent me from even making progress. I know it’s a horrible social media cliche, but ‘Progress Not Perfection” is one of my favorites because it resonates so deeply for me. It’s going to be hard, it’s going to suck. The fear and worry won’t magically go away, but it will lessen with practice. Every fall is a learning experience. Every opportunity to start over is a chance to do better this time.

Don’t let the desire for perfection hold you back from making progress. I know, easier said than done, but maybe knowing that you’re not alone can help.

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